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Monday, April 12, 2010

Grrr


I'm starting in a new area today - for 3-6 months - and I'm scared shitless. I know the people, i pretty much know the work, I know all the parameters, and yet all those stupid fears i have about my ability to do anything competently are banging around in my head and making me crazy.
Its been building up over the weekend and so I've done what I always do - play dead. Not really play dead, but become so paralysed by fear of failure at everything that I don't do anything. Except mope and make a nuisance of myself. Unfortunately my husband is so excellent that he stands in for me and is the only functioning adult in the house. I say unfortunately because if he wasn't so capable I'd have to get my shit together and keep going. But I don't. I sit on the couch while he does everything. And then when he's finished doing everything he brings me cheese and biscuits. And then I drink and don't feel any better (duh) and all of this is just more for me to get down on myself about.
What's worse is that I know how to fix it. I know I have to "fake it till I make it" but with all the energy I possess being diverted to unhelpful thoughts I don't think I can fake it.

7 comments:

Gina said...

Obviously anything I'm about to write could come across as shallow, unhelpful or down-right insulting. So I'll preface it with the fact that I've been on SSRIs for three years and have only just weaned off... and am now having to exert a bit more effort in keeping my head about me than I did a few weeks ago when the meds were providing a buffer.

First, breathe. Lots, and deeply.

Second, stop analysing yourself! The whole fake-it-til-you-make-it thing, it has to actually happen in the head first and foremost. Pretend you are the most vaccuous, dumb, un-self-aware, bimbo on the planet. Not thinking is good. When you're smart and you like to analyse things, it feels like you should be able to think your way out of depression (like you're trying to do in the post, then beating yourself up with it, and then beating yourself up with that... and so forth). Stop the rumination/catastrophising cycle in whatever way you can.

Third, back to the breathing... and please, please know that there are those of us who understand.

Her said...

hang in there sweets! I admire that you can actually GO to work, I do the same as you but can't get the courage to go back to work from all the paralysing fear. Be kinder to yourself, put on some good music and dance like an idiot. ((hug))

knitting sprouts said...

firstly - I think you are fab. secondly you can do - thousands of morons are out there doing this stuff and you are no moron so will be truly wonderful and I know I'd love to have you on my work team. I'm like gina and am in the last days of weaning off the happy pills and scared stiff everytime i have a negative thought. try to be as compassionate with yourself as you are with your closest friend - you deserve it.

On the 6th Floor said...

I think you are awsome. I know you and love you and think you are a wonderful, strong, smart, woman that can do anything. You just don't believe in yourself yet....soon Twitchy, very soon but it usually happens when we aren't looking so keep your eyes on the horizon and impress your new work colleagues the way you impress your "old" work colleagues, me included.

Analysis paralysis is the term I know for what's happening to you. I agree with Gina, breathe, stop analysing, stop beating yourself up, breathe, don't pick up that first drink and breathe.

You can do it and don't forget that I am on the 6th floor and ready to chat any time.

RubyTwoShoes said...

Hey, you just summed up so well something i too do so badly! I paralyze myself too, but instead of calling it 'play dead' i often call it 'frozen', and then my partner, like yours, steps up, and I have that niggling feeling that if he just didnt do that, I'd be less indulgent and just get the fuck on with things. But, ahhhh, indulgence, its a God send.
I hope yr brain gives you a break soon, so you can just rock it

Emma said...

I hope your first week went well.

I can understand the paralysing fear (and the wonderful partner that steps up during these times). And the worry about being able to do the job properly. Uncertainty about a new situation sucks arse.

Like Lea, I have the utmost faith that you can do it with ease because you're awesome.

Lilly said...

Well darling if you're going to go and write about bats all day, no wonder you feel woeful. I love you. Keep breathing in and out. You're a beautiful faker when you want to be - look how you've faked being my friend for all these years.... xoxox