To me it is a sign of my inherit failure to be and do all that I should.I'm totally aware of the folly of that statement. I found it beautifully described recently in Romulus, My Father by Raimond Gaita, speaking of his father's battle with mental illness:
My father's strength of character had much to do with his recovery, but it could not have been only to to that. Stability in character goes hand-in-hand with a capacity for steady judgment which insanity undermines. The terror of insanity lies mainly in the fact that one cannot overcome or even properly confront it through any direct application of thought and will, and so one feels desperately helpless. Often the will can only be exercised indirectly, supported by medicines or by psychotherapy, but the resolve to persist in these supports itself is constantly undermined. And often one cannot rely on one's mind because that too has been at least partially lost to the illness.
His father was obviously a very sick man. But the bit that resonated with me was that 'one cannot overcome or even properly confront it through any direct application of thought and will'.
I don't know that there is any point to this post, except that I hope in writing it down that I may accept this is the way it is for a little while to come, and this illness does not define who I am.
Post and Antenatal Depression Association Inc (PaNDa)
Black Dog Institute