Little things

Christmas presents for the neighbours. Tartan from Nath's great aunt's op shop - what else am I going to do with 20-odd meters of tartan!! - and other fabrics from Nana's stash. I'm quite pleased with how they turned out actually.



And a new project. Those who I've seen at SnB recently will know that I've mainly been working on my Clayton's knitting - a drop-stitch scarf that I carry around and rarely knit and don't really like. But after seeing Quilting Mick's bamboo the other day I thought I might try some. I just got the dodgey ole' Bamboozle from Lincraft which I thought was going to split like buggery, but it seems ok. This is going to be a little cross-over cardy for bub #2.

Speaking of which, would you all mind crossing your fingers that I have the baby today? That would mean that I could have the baby and be home in time for Christmas (all being well). I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I mean, I've had a pretty good pregnancy. But I'm thoroughly sick of it now.

That's all for today. As you were.

Making house and cleaning house

Its a miracle this house was built at all - my child seems to have an insatiable desire to eat/lick anything that I mix in a bowl...

And this is the result of clearing some cupboards that were horribly stuffed full of useless or meaningless consumer items. Off they went to the Salvos.

*Edit* I would love to take credit for the gloriousness of the gingerbread house - but its beauty is primarily due to the idiot-proof mould I used. Its from a Chefs Toolbox party plan thingo I went to (this was my 'oh jesus I have to buy something' purchase) because I too have long harbored a desire to make one, but knew that attempting it on my own would result in a saggy, baggy, gingerbread humpy.

Wildlife

When we were down in Nowra recently we spotted some great wildlife - the Kookaburra and the Blue Tongue lizard were in Nan and Pa's backyard (Pa's a bit like Dr Doolittle) and the beautiful parrots at Huskison.

This little monkey was pretending to be like Mummy - I bet she wouldn't be so keen if she had my swelling digits and sleep issues...

From Black Dogs to Greyish Puppies

I know many of you are assailed by black dogs in various forms, sizes and shades... I am too and have been medicated against such canine visitors for quite some time. However, during pregnancy I have to cut down - in fact I put my two miscarriages down to the fact that I had not reduced my medication. I've done fairly well considering, but as I come to the last few weeks of pregnancy I've started seeing signs of the black dog's return - a bone here, a distant howl there. Much of this is due to the fact that I'm so damned frustrated at my inability to do what I want to do. There are jobs and tasks that I cannot physically do, things I have to do that sap my small reserve of energy, and things that I just don't have the energy to do, no matter how much I want to. And being at home now I'm all the more aware of what I'm not doing. To the ordinary person it would seem that this is a phase that will pass.

To me it is a sign of my inherit failure to be and do all that I should.

I'm totally aware of the folly of that statement. I found it beautifully described recently in Romulus, My Father by Raimond Gaita, speaking of his father's battle with mental illness:

My father's strength of character had much to do with his recovery, but it could not have been only to to that. Stability in character goes hand-in-hand with a capacity for steady judgment which insanity undermines. The terror of insanity lies mainly in the fact that one cannot overcome or even properly confront it through any direct application of thought and will, and so one feels desperately helpless. Often the will can only be exercised indirectly, supported by medicines or by psychotherapy, but the resolve to persist in these supports itself is constantly undermined. And often one cannot rely on one's mind because that too has been at least partially lost to the illness.

His father was obviously a very sick man. But the bit that resonated with me was that 'one cannot overcome or even properly confront it through any direct application of thought and will'.

I don't know that there is any point to this post, except that I hope in writing it down that I may accept this is the way it is for a little while to come, and this illness does not define who I am.


Beyond Blue
Post and Antenatal Depression Association Inc (PaNDa)
Posie
Black Dog Institute