Keep holding on

One of the most frustrating things about my depression (or MDD* ^) is my inability to fix it. Its not like my drinking ie drinking makes my life unpleasant, ergo if I don't drink then the unpleasantness caused by drinking goes away. I've mentioned this frustration before. I've read about my condition, I've tried yoga, relaxation, medication, homeopathy, naturopathy, psychology, psychiatry... just about everything I can do (except regular exercise - i can't manage anything regularly!).

I'm pretty exhausted to be honest. Trying to be 'normal' while looking through grey-coloured glasses puts me way behind the eight ball when it comes to dealing with all the other things in my life. And the thought of having to keep doing it for the rest of my life makes me feel desolate. So cross your fingers for me. I'm hoping that my new prescription of an SNRI will help.

My husband and my kids are what keep me trying. If not for them I'd be in a cupboard with a cask of wine right now. Instead I spent a blissful 10 minutes with the four of us dancing and singing to Glee. Those 10 minutes were worth trying for.

(from http://evenwhenyouresad.com/?p=19 - and here)



* I get the feeling sometimes that one can't truly be sick without an acronym or a wikipedia reference - this has both!
^ I'm a Canberran and public servant - I don't feel comfortable with a concept until it has an acronym!

Work

Being back at work sucks. That is all.

I'm rich!

I'm the 44,662,751 richest person on earth! Discover how rich you are! >>

Are you? For 10 years I've sponsored World Vision kids* based on the premise that its such small change for me for big change somewhere else (man I sound like an ad). This puts it in perspective....


* We've sponsored three Brazilian youngsters and one was called Michael Jackson - I kid you not. And not too long ago we were told that Michael no longer needed our assistance. Around the same time as Michael Jackson, singer died. Coincidence? I think not...

Twitchy?

Have you ever checked out your stat counter? Ever looked at the google search terms that lead people to your blog? I've done it a couple of times (blogged here) and have always felt sorry for the poor folk who went looking for some information on how to control errant twitchy fingers and got stuck with my ravings... Here are some recent searches...

• twitchy (fingers, causes of etc)
• twitchy stitch logos
• twichety fingers (only three hits come up when you search that!!! And I'm one of them!! Don't know why that excites me... )
  
• sans clothes (referred to an image I had of some old-style barbies)
• Knitting in literature
• Mother's Day bags
• Twitchy number 1
• Knitty Topaz
• this is as good as it gets

Also still get the odd hit from the old Front Debacle of 08 on Riot Act.

I don't have any pictures to accompany this post so I'll add this one of some FO's from last year. (And because I promised images of FO's last post and didn't deliver. Cos that's what I do - promise and fail to come through. Cos I can. Cos its my blog.)

Um.

I know it's traditional for us craft bloggers to do a bit of a round up of what we did in the past year. And believe me, I want to. But it seems I did very little this year. Not to say that that is a bad thing (I'm battling the 'pathological critic' here) but given that I went to Brown Owls 9 times I probably should have at least 9 partially completed things... I do have some things and they are below. Most of them were never blogged properly anyway. But sheez. I'm seeing a pattern here people. Let me illustrate:


So. A very blunt tool - but more drinking and depression = less blogging and crafting. What do you think my new years resolution should be???

Happy Birthday!

Paterson's birthday is December 31. I will forever be sorry to him for being unable to cross my legs for another week so that he didn't get such a sucky birth date. In years to come he may be grateful, but for the next 15 years or so he's not really going to be able to have a decent celebration. Every one is away, or going to NYE parties so he gets forgotten. Next year we're going to have a party for him on 31 November instead - everyone is still around and not so absorbed in Christmas. We did have a lovely night at a friend's place on NYE and had a cake for him so it wasn't so bad, but I do feel awful for not going the whole hog for him.

Anyhoo, whingeing aside, Paddy is turning 2. Hence the cake. I made that. I was pretty impressed, except that the marzipan duck in the marzipan pond is freakishly large compared to the vehicles on the road. Not Godzilla large. But half the size of a car large.

Paterson is obsessed with cars and airplanes and trains at the moment. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised - him being a boy and all - but its soooo stereotypically male. And Lily was the same with dolls I guess. She's always had a fair mix of 'boys' and 'girls' toys but gravitated toward the girls toys. We already noticed a difference in the way different gender kids play when we saw Lily and her cousin Marcus playing with dinosaurs. Marcus was making his dino's eat each other. Lily had hers in a school or a hospital or something. Same toy - different play.


Back to Paddy though; he's all man. Loves mechanical things, hitting things with a stick and jumping on the 'leen' while I sing 'get ready to wiggle'. Loves the Wiggles and Thomas. Loves his books. Loves emptying the pencil tin then sitting in it. He has an ever expanding vocabulary, but favourites include: No, Mine, ily (for Lily), Wiggool and 'leen'. He's the most precious little man and I'm blessed to have him for a son.

Merry whatever...

We had quite a lovely Christmas Day, despite having Old Nana taken to hospital with pneumonia and our family 'drunkle' (that's a drunken uncle) having a go at us for turning in at 10pm. So after a very non-christian-or-christmas outburst at my drunkle this morning * we departed to Nowra to have a second Christmas day with Nath's family. The kids had a lovely day - a quality present which delighted Lily and lots of cars for Paddy which kept him enthralled for hours. Lil also got an Astroboy toy from my sister which was a huge hit. Those of you who've been around for a while may remember Lil's desire for an Astroboy during the "Front" knitting incident last year. Its cause a few sharing issues but they've generally been delightful.

*After he bought my mother to tears I said to him 'Nice to know that it not just your own family's Christmas' that you f*** up, and that you don't mind f***ing ours up either'. I then dramatically closed the door and the curtains so he couldn't respond. Not very mature. And I'm not 100% proud of it. But I'm sick of letting people do/say awful things and get away with it. As the other resident drunk (currently on the wagon) I was the only one that could say it and get away with it.

Yarn bombing!

We were driving through O'Connor this evening and my ever vigilant husband spotted some yarn bombing! He immediately lept from the car (I slowed down slightly) so he could get a couple of snaps. It was at the roundabout at Scrivener and Brigalow Sts and at each of the four give way signs. Anyone know who's responsible? Kudos.

Pearl

Guess what Lily's getting for Christmas? Her very own Pearl Barley, made by the supremely talented Michelle at Poppy Bean and Bloss! I'm sooo jealous.

Black dogs and blerg....

Still yucky - but have prescription drugs now! Not much to say, given my day was primarily conducted from under the covers... except that I have the most wonderful husband who on his day off looked after the kids so I could recuperate and even took Lily with him to his Christmas lunch so I could sleep while Paddy was sleeping. You rock Nath. Night night folks.

Blogging the black dog from bed...

Not feeling crash hot tonight so I'm going to have an early one. Just in bed now, going to check a few blogs, the tune out with some meditations. Hopefully i will have kicked this sore throat by tomorrow. But I did have a good day none the less! Work Christmas lunch then the kids childcare Christmas party. Yet again Lily was too scared to go anywhere near Santa, and Paddy wsn't really down with the whole experience either. Anyhoo. I'll write more tomorrow.

Belting the black dog - day 3

Firstly I just wanted to thanks everyone who has commented or sent me good vibes in the last two days - I'm feeling the love! And thanks to the anonymous commenter who suggested a meditation - I got some by that bloke today and I think it will be enormously helpful.

When I went to my doctor on Monday to get some help she was really great and suggested that I might need a professional review of my medication and tried to get me in to a shrink. Using her influence she got me an appointment. In April 2010. Just as well I wasn't too close to the edge. Then I rang my psychologist. February 2010. Thankfully I got a cancellation appointment today which was exactly what i needed. She's wonderful. I'm pretty good at playing my depression down, and she called me on it. We talked through some stuff. Had a good laugh. And I left knowing that I had some tools to be able to belt the black dog with.

Then in the afternoon I took the kids to the Wiggles. It was my our first Wiggles experience and I loved it. These are individuals who must really love what they do and seem to have a really good time up there. Paddy was mesmerised - didn't dance or clap or sing - just stared. And Lil shouted and danced and sung and waved and had a great time. We did notice that Dorothy the Dinosaur and Wags the dog had apparently acquired eating disorders as their costumes looked very sleek in comparison to the old dvds we'd seen. But it was great.

And tonight we were out for my MILs birthday and one of those clubs that have children's play areas built in. Designed to keep kids entertained, but I always spend more time supervising other people's children in there so they're not injuring my kids.

And now I'm home. Kids are asleep. Husband is in bed and I'm keeping up a promise to myself to do something for me. Not a bad day at all! As Bec said today sometimes you need to reflect on the positives rather than the negatives of a day. Its working for me too Bec!

See youz tomorrow!

Blogging to beat the black dog - day 2

Last year I wrote this post about personal commandments to help me through the day. I notice that things haven't really changed since then... anyhoo. I thought I might revise those commandments.

1. Stop it!
2. Nothing will change, if I don’t do anything different
3. Meditate
4. I can do anything for five minutes
5. Get outside
6. Don't wait to 'feel like it'
   
7. CHOOSE to be positive
8. Be grateful

So I've lost a couple of commandments and got some different ones. I'll let you know next year how this one goes!

Catching up on some long-ago finished items too - here's a little t-shirt I made for my besties daughter a couple of months ago. I wasn't sure how it would stand up to washing, but it went well and was still going strong when we caught up in Adelaide last month.

Stop it!

So I've been a little low recently, and another lovely blogger brought to my attention the fact that it might have something to do with a lack of sharing. I've had a bit of a love-disklike relationship with blogging, but ultimately I think it provides me with a focus or a filter that I don't get with anything else. I can condense a day into a couple of lines. A shitty day at work is written down as 'tough day' and like that it becomes not a day of frustration or anger or defeated self-esteem but two little words. I just let it go - unconsciously. So on this steep, dark decline into depression, I've stopped blogging. And I think its made it worse. So I say 'stop the rot'. Or just 'stop it!' as the video says. I'm going to blog for 14 days straight people. Blogging to stop the rot. or Blog the black dog. or Beating the big black dog with a blogging stick. Any other naming ideas?

P.S I'm also going to try a guided meditation each day too - any suggestions?

Before and after

Before

On my honeymoon in Vietnam I bought a ring which I *LOVED* but Nath didn't. So I gave it to my sister and have since spent seven long years coveting it.

After

My sister just came back from Vietnam and bought me the same ring - from the same shop! I feel complete! And we have twin rings which is a nice, sistery thing.

Before

My sister also bought back a lovely ao dai for Lily. She wore it to Brown Owls the other day...

After

It rained at Brown Owls. (Luckily they came up as good as new)

Before
Before today I didn't know I had any followers on my blog *waves*.

After
I found my followers, and one them - the lovely Fyrestorm Creations - is having a competetion. http://fyrestormcreations.blogspot.com/ Go and see her lovely work immediately! Now!

FO!

Finished Object. This is convertible from Knitty in bamboo. I'm really crappy at remembering yarn and needles and that business. I know that Rose Red did something in the same yarn a long while ago. I modified it so that it was done in two parts and grafted together to satisfy my need for symmetry. Its pretty. And its got a reasonable amount of weight in it too. Its one of the biggest projects I've completed. I love it.

Eeew...

Someone found my blog by searching "oh oh girlxxx" (turns out it linked to when I announced I was pregnant...)
Others of interest:
* ANZAC DAY CUPCAKES
* twitchy fingers while sleeping x 800!!
* coraline craft
* clancy of the overflow poem- what is it about
* merit badges for parents
* she makes me laugh so hard
* bowl of coffee canberra
* I try to take one day at a time but several
* crush on Yul Brynner

I'm number 2 when you search for twitchy fingers. Even though there is another knitting blogger called twitchy fingers. Which irks me a little. I'm on craftster, ravelry and flickr as twitchy fingers, and while I don't own the term, I feel a little miffed that someone else didn't google the term before starting a blog with the same name. Anyone had a similar experience?

Anyhoo, I feel sorry for the people who come looking for help with irritating sleep conditions who end up at my blog. Perhaps I should add some links to the sidebar to assist those folk???

I also checked by old bloglines account the other day. It has 45 feeds. I've not read it since December last year. And there are 5086 unread posts. So if i'd have read those and it took me an average of 20 seconds (this excludes any 'clicking away' posts) then it would have been about 1525 minutes. Or 25 hours. If you assume between 30-60 seconds then its 42-84 hours. So I could potentially have spent between one and four days just on blogs. Wowee. No self-judgement on this - i'd have enjoyed those four days. It just seems like an awfully. long. time. to have been on the interwebs.


http://www.ac-nancy-metz.fr/enseign/anglais/Henry/internet_addiction2.jpg

and if you think you suffer similarly - http://www.netaddiction.com/resources/internet_addiction_test.htm

Darn craft!

So there’s been much chat about mushrooms recently... not the tasty fungi type, but the wooden, darning type. I’ve been darning for nearly two weeks now, and I’ve found it strangely cathartic. It started because my husband is a devoted Bulldogs fan and they were playing for a berth in the finals on Friday night. He wanted to wear his entire Bulldogs outfit - including the 20 year old socks that had long since become NFFPV (not fit for public viewing) due to the large holes in the sole.


Who am I kidding, there was a small amount of sole between the holes. I own quite a lovely mushroom, and like many of my crafting items, it has been gleaned/gifted/stolen from my Nana.


This was not an item I thought I'd be using anytime soon. Under normal circumstances I'd be chucking the socks, not darning them. But a boy with a love of his Bulldog socks melted my stone heart. I just went straight to You Tube to get a tute, got a great one. Darned.

This is another pair I did - the bulldogs pair is rarely off his feet.

And the boy got his socks. It's probably the nicest thing I've done for the old stick for a while - and he was happy. Didn't help the Bulldogs though.

Darning was a really practical crafting activity - and I think that's what I've needed to do for a while. I don’t know if any of you caught my maniacal morning ramblings the other week (i deleted it now) , but I’ve been a bit overcome with the whole being creative thing recently, primarily because I think it polarises my feelings of inadequacy/inaction. That is - I do a whole lotta dreamin' and very little doin'. From the post:

As much as I love the online world I think that the 20 posts daily from Craft and Whip Up et al appear to me to be from one, super-crafting individual and serve to make me feel less adequate/productive as a crafter. The posts from parent hacker and life hacker don't give me tips but make me feel like there are just so many things I could improve because I'm so hopeless.So I'm going to pare down the blogreader to the blogs from individuals - because most people only finish a couple of things a month. I can rationalise that.

I took some action and took a heap of craft sites and put them into a folder on my Google reader called 'Not this month'. Its been really, really good. It reduces the 'noise' of all those competing demands in my head. I've only been doing it for 10 days but I think I've not read about 300 posts. And I think its helped me focus on the things I want to do, and put a bit of time to researching them, and then sticking to them

So i'm starting a little embroidery sampler. Progress photos soon.

It wobbled.

"How do you know the jelly is ready Lily?"
"Well, Mum, it just kind of wobbled when I looked at it"
"You didn't stick your finger in it, did you?"
"No Mum."

[Just placed her whole freakin' hand on it...]

I'm going in to get my bottom wisdom teeth removed tomorrow. I'm trying not to think about it too much, but I've got lots of protein drinks and creamed rice and soup, and have got everything I need sorted so that if I'm out of action for a week then life will go on. The surgeon told me that women in their 30s have the slowest recovery time - but I'm hoping I'll be the exception to the rule and can then just use the two weeks sick leave for crafting. I've done a little embroidery and some knitting, but I'm a bit scatty about craft at the moment. Anyhoo, hoping I'll be back with you shortly.

Spring has sprung

Spring has sprung here... although I did take this photo in August. But there is definitely a little bit of warmth in the air and things are popping out all over the place. It is only 14 degrees during the day, but the days are clear and that makes all the difference.

My blogging this time around might be a little more random. I might include a section of 'stuff that I just want to put out there' or 'thoughts irrelevant to the rest of the post'. Primarily because last time I blogged I was so concerned about each post being a well-crafted story that it took ten times longer than it should have to get stuff out. And while I love going back and reading those posts (and half the reason why I'm blogging again is because I realised how much I valued having those posts to go back and read) I don't think that the occasional typo or bad segue will reduce their readability.

So I bring you:

Random Thoughts

• I drove to Sydney on Monday and it was so lovely to see the fog rising over the windmills around Lake George.
• I sat behind a girl on a train who was blowing bubbles - it was a lovely thing to see on a train full of surly city folk.
• Paddy has started talking and one of his favourite words is bubble.
• Paddy won't say Mummy. He calls me, Lily and Nath 'Daddy'. It bugs me a bit.
  
• Lily had her first orientation day at big school today. That freaks me out.

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement to come back and do this thing... I'll be back later with a few craft related endeavors.