Grrr

I'm starting in a new area today - for 3-6 months - and I'm scared shitless. I know the people, i pretty much know the work, I know all the parameters, and yet all those stupid fears i have about my ability to do anything competently are banging around in my head and making me crazy.

Its been building up over the weekend and so I've done what I always do - play dead. Not really play dead, but become so paralysed by fear of failure at everything that I don't do anything. Except mope and make a nuisance of myself. Unfortunately my husband is so excellent that he stands in for me and is the only functioning adult in the house. I say unfortunately because if he wasn't so capable I'd have to get my shit together and keep going. But I don't. I sit on the couch while he does everything. And then when he's finished doing everything he brings me cheese and biscuits. And then I drink and don't feel any better (duh) and all of this is just more for me to get down on myself about.

What's worse is that I know how to fix it. I know I have to "fake it till I make it" but with all the energy I possess being diverted to unhelpful thoughts I don't think I can fake it.

Ever seen a hug?

This is what it looks like.


It requires two people and arms. And this does. One wonderful friend Georgie, and her two arms made this amazing gift for me. To cheer me after the last couple of dark weeks.

I love it. I love the fabrics. I love the hand-stitching on the binding. I'm so touched that such a busy woman spent her valuable spare time making something to make me feel better.


And it does. I can get a Georgie hug anytime I want now.

Thanks George. Its one of my most prized possessions.

Keep holding on

One of the most frustrating things about my depression (or MDD* ^) is my inability to fix it. Its not like my drinking ie drinking makes my life unpleasant, ergo if I don't drink then the unpleasantness caused by drinking goes away. I've mentioned this frustration before. I've read about my condition, I've tried yoga, relaxation, medication, homeopathy, naturopathy, psychology, psychiatry... just about everything I can do (except regular exercise - i can't manage anything regularly!).

I'm pretty exhausted to be honest. Trying to be 'normal' while looking through grey-coloured glasses puts me way behind the eight ball when it comes to dealing with all the other things in my life. And the thought of having to keep doing it for the rest of my life makes me feel desolate. So cross your fingers for me. I'm hoping that my new prescription of an SNRI will help.

My husband and my kids are what keep me trying. If not for them I'd be in a cupboard with a cask of wine right now. Instead I spent a blissful 10 minutes with the four of us dancing and singing to Glee. Those 10 minutes were worth trying for.

(from http://evenwhenyouresad.com/?p=19 - and here)



* I get the feeling sometimes that one can't truly be sick without an acronym or a wikipedia reference - this has both!
^ I'm a Canberran and public servant - I don't feel comfortable with a concept until it has an acronym!

Um.

I know it's traditional for us craft bloggers to do a bit of a round up of what we did in the past year. And believe me, I want to. But it seems I did very little this year. Not to say that that is a bad thing (I'm battling the 'pathological critic' here) but given that I went to Brown Owls 9 times I probably should have at least 9 partially completed things... I do have some things and they are below. Most of them were never blogged properly anyway. But sheez. I'm seeing a pattern here people. Let me illustrate:


So. A very blunt tool - but more drinking and depression = less blogging and crafting. What do you think my new years resolution should be???

Black dogs and blerg....

Still yucky - but have prescription drugs now! Not much to say, given my day was primarily conducted from under the covers... except that I have the most wonderful husband who on his day off looked after the kids so I could recuperate and even took Lily with him to his Christmas lunch so I could sleep while Paddy was sleeping. You rock Nath. Night night folks.

Blogging the black dog from bed...

Not feeling crash hot tonight so I'm going to have an early one. Just in bed now, going to check a few blogs, the tune out with some meditations. Hopefully i will have kicked this sore throat by tomorrow. But I did have a good day none the less! Work Christmas lunch then the kids childcare Christmas party. Yet again Lily was too scared to go anywhere near Santa, and Paddy wsn't really down with the whole experience either. Anyhoo. I'll write more tomorrow.

Belting the black dog - day 3

Firstly I just wanted to thanks everyone who has commented or sent me good vibes in the last two days - I'm feeling the love! And thanks to the anonymous commenter who suggested a meditation - I got some by that bloke today and I think it will be enormously helpful.

When I went to my doctor on Monday to get some help she was really great and suggested that I might need a professional review of my medication and tried to get me in to a shrink. Using her influence she got me an appointment. In April 2010. Just as well I wasn't too close to the edge. Then I rang my psychologist. February 2010. Thankfully I got a cancellation appointment today which was exactly what i needed. She's wonderful. I'm pretty good at playing my depression down, and she called me on it. We talked through some stuff. Had a good laugh. And I left knowing that I had some tools to be able to belt the black dog with.

Then in the afternoon I took the kids to the Wiggles. It was my our first Wiggles experience and I loved it. These are individuals who must really love what they do and seem to have a really good time up there. Paddy was mesmerised - didn't dance or clap or sing - just stared. And Lil shouted and danced and sung and waved and had a great time. We did notice that Dorothy the Dinosaur and Wags the dog had apparently acquired eating disorders as their costumes looked very sleek in comparison to the old dvds we'd seen. But it was great.

And tonight we were out for my MILs birthday and one of those clubs that have children's play areas built in. Designed to keep kids entertained, but I always spend more time supervising other people's children in there so they're not injuring my kids.

And now I'm home. Kids are asleep. Husband is in bed and I'm keeping up a promise to myself to do something for me. Not a bad day at all! As Bec said today sometimes you need to reflect on the positives rather than the negatives of a day. Its working for me too Bec!

See youz tomorrow!

Blogging to beat the black dog - day 2

Last year I wrote this post about personal commandments to help me through the day. I notice that things haven't really changed since then... anyhoo. I thought I might revise those commandments.

1. Stop it!
2. Nothing will change, if I don’t do anything different
3. Meditate
4. I can do anything for five minutes
5. Get outside
6. Don't wait to 'feel like it'
   
7. CHOOSE to be positive
8. Be grateful

So I've lost a couple of commandments and got some different ones. I'll let you know next year how this one goes!

Catching up on some long-ago finished items too - here's a little t-shirt I made for my besties daughter a couple of months ago. I wasn't sure how it would stand up to washing, but it went well and was still going strong when we caught up in Adelaide last month.

Stop it!

So I've been a little low recently, and another lovely blogger brought to my attention the fact that it might have something to do with a lack of sharing. I've had a bit of a love-disklike relationship with blogging, but ultimately I think it provides me with a focus or a filter that I don't get with anything else. I can condense a day into a couple of lines. A shitty day at work is written down as 'tough day' and like that it becomes not a day of frustration or anger or defeated self-esteem but two little words. I just let it go - unconsciously. So on this steep, dark decline into depression, I've stopped blogging. And I think its made it worse. So I say 'stop the rot'. Or just 'stop it!' as the video says. I'm going to blog for 14 days straight people. Blogging to stop the rot. or Blog the black dog. or Beating the big black dog with a blogging stick. Any other naming ideas?

P.S I'm also going to try a guided meditation each day too - any suggestions?

From Black Dogs to Greyish Puppies

I know many of you are assailed by black dogs in various forms, sizes and shades... I am too and have been medicated against such canine visitors for quite some time. However, during pregnancy I have to cut down - in fact I put my two miscarriages down to the fact that I had not reduced my medication. I've done fairly well considering, but as I come to the last few weeks of pregnancy I've started seeing signs of the black dog's return - a bone here, a distant howl there. Much of this is due to the fact that I'm so damned frustrated at my inability to do what I want to do. There are jobs and tasks that I cannot physically do, things I have to do that sap my small reserve of energy, and things that I just don't have the energy to do, no matter how much I want to. And being at home now I'm all the more aware of what I'm not doing. To the ordinary person it would seem that this is a phase that will pass.

To me it is a sign of my inherit failure to be and do all that I should.

I'm totally aware of the folly of that statement. I found it beautifully described recently in Romulus, My Father by Raimond Gaita, speaking of his father's battle with mental illness:

My father's strength of character had much to do with his recovery, but it could not have been only to to that. Stability in character goes hand-in-hand with a capacity for steady judgment which insanity undermines. The terror of insanity lies mainly in the fact that one cannot overcome or even properly confront it through any direct application of thought and will, and so one feels desperately helpless. Often the will can only be exercised indirectly, supported by medicines or by psychotherapy, but the resolve to persist in these supports itself is constantly undermined. And often one cannot rely on one's mind because that too has been at least partially lost to the illness.

His father was obviously a very sick man. But the bit that resonated with me was that 'one cannot overcome or even properly confront it through any direct application of thought and will'.

I don't know that there is any point to this post, except that I hope in writing it down that I may accept this is the way it is for a little while to come, and this illness does not define who I am.


Beyond Blue
Post and Antenatal Depression Association Inc (PaNDa)
Posie
Black Dog Institute